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Indispensable Christmas Tips
Who says a Christmas Card cannot change one’s life?
- Do you feel that Christmas is becoming commercialised?
- Is your gobbler as large as it used to be?
- Does recycled gift wrap make you bilious?
- Would you like to rid yourself of carol singers?
- Are you irritated by inflatable neon santas?
- Do you wretch at the sight of a reluctant sprout eater?
Click here to buy Britain's most educational Christmas cards
Oh dear, there are so many tiresome aspects of Christmas ... no wonder most ordinary people dread the onset of the festive season. Well I for one absolutely adore Christmas - and I will let nothing stop me from making it the most memorable and enjoyable time of the year. If something irritates me I simply address it head on, deal with it - and carry on as before.
Of course, as someone who is well bred, privately educated, resourceful, self-confident, universally liked (apart from a handful of awful people I call my Blackballers) and of independent means, it is easy for me to act in this manner. It’s in the genes I presume. Certainly Mummy was seldom flustered (even during a three day labour giving birth to a 19 pound baby Dorothy, she carried on giving harp lessons to our Pigman’s adopted children) and Daddy once canoed the entire length of the Ganges River despite losing a hand on the second day ... so we’re a cool crew us Wills-Doncasters.
An encounter with Mr Jeremy Paxman
But I digress. The sad reality is that the overwhelming majority of the population simply lack the intellect, fortitude or means to truly enjoy the festive season. I have felt for some time that as a national icon it is incumbent upon me to help the underprivileged masses experience a more fulfilled Christmas, but I could never quite decide how to go about it ... until I had a well-publicised encounter with the rather abrasive (yet somehow rather cheeky) Mr Jeremy Paxman (is he Sir Jeremy yet? I must have a word with Her Majesty).
During a live broadcast of All the Answers on BBC television, a tearful audience member admitted to the panel that she had never managed to rear a turkey beyond a paltry 21 pounds in weight. She was clearly at her wits end, acutely embarrassed and the butt of jokes among her neighbours. My heart went out to her – yet somehow I felt this was not the moment to share my secrets of gobbler raising with the nation. The following encounter ensued*:
Paxman: Mrs Wills-Doncaster, with your reputation for producing the biggest turkeys in Great Britain, I think this final question of the evening is for you.
DWD: Well Jeremy, it's true that I do have a few secrets with regard to gobblers - and I must say I have enormous sympathy for this poor lady. I will be more than happy to meet her after the show and see if I can assist her in any way.
(applause from audience)
Paxman: With respect Mrs Wills-Doncaster, I think that is rather avoiding the issue. This lady is just one of tens of thousands of people who endure a similar struggle year in year out ... so if you are prepared to give her some advice after the show, don't you think you owe it to the whole of the British public to give her some tips now, on air?
(audience hushed)
DWD (laughing politely whilst giving Mr Paxman one of my looks): I doubt we've enough time remaining for me to do that Jeremy. But I can tell you that centuries of experience went in to rearing our turkey last year - and you'd be very surprised at some of my methods.
Paxman: How heavy was your turkey last year?
DWD: Oh I'm not sure I can remember exactly. He was quite large, that's for sure.
Paxman: Oh c'mon, you know exactly how heavy it was. I ask you again, how heavy was your turkey last year?
(Audience remain hushed and tense)
DWD: In fairness, I don't think that's the question the audience want answering. I think the real issue is about education. What I have always believed is that there's no point in giving a gardener a dibber if he doesn't know how to use a hoe. What we have to do as influential members of the community is lobby the government to re-equip people with some of the very basic skills that have sadly been lost over recent generations. Put these fundamentals in place and then ... and only then ... will Mrs Ordinary of Birmingham be able to rear the truly enormous gobblers that were commonplace in the 19th century.
(loud applause from audience, abruptly curtailed when Mr Paxman stands up)
Paxman: (theatrical pause, stares briefly at audience then back at me) I ask you again, how heavy was your turkey last year? You know the answer, let's hear it?
(you could hear a pin drop - and a news feed appeared at the foot of television screens saying that All the Answers had been extended and that One foot in the grave would follow shortly)
DWD: Well it's no secret Jeremy ... Prescott weighed 94 pounds.
(Gasp from audience, followed by rapturous applause)
Paxman (smirking): And would you care to explain to our questioner just how you succeeded in rearing a turkey over four times the size of her own?
DWD: You're a very persuasive man Jeremy ... but I'm afraid you're up against a very stubborn woman here, so no - I won't reveal my secrets here and now. But you know, looking at this poor lady with her thin skin, lack lustre hair and hollow eyes, it makes me realise that the time has arrived for me to help not just her, but thousands - maybe millions - of people like her. So I will talk to her after the show ... but most importantly I'm prepared to announce to the nation here and now that I will contact my publisher in the morning and arrange to make this most indispensable of Christmas tips available to anyone who is interested. How's that?
(standing ovation for 7 minutes. Victor Meldrew delayed by a quarter of an hour)
*This transcript reproduced by kind permission of the BBC.
The birth of a wonderful idea
And that dear friend is how my Indispensable Christmas Tips were born. I realised there and then that it was my duty not merely to enlighten the great British public as to rearing a massive gobbler - but to offer a wealth of other advice (drawing on family secrets, personal opinions and my life's work) that will help common or garden, state-educated, working persons to experience a more fulfilled Christmas.
I duly instructed a trustworthy little publishing company named Splimple Limited to promote twelve Indispensable Christmas Tips in the form of Christmas cards which are available to everybody with immediate effect*.
If you are a member of the public (as opposed to being a Shopkeeper), please click here to see all of my Indispensable Christmas Tips and to purchase a set; if you are a shopkeeper, please see below.
*If you are titled, attended one of Britain's better public schools, a commissioned officer in the armed forces of at least Brigadier rank, a hereditary landowner, a Bishop (or higher) in the Church, a Doctor, a QC or a member of the Privy Council, most of my Tips will be inappropriate for you to send to friends or family - although your subordinates will no doubt appreciate the gesture.
Shopkeepers
If you are a tradesperson who owns a shop and you would like to make a bulk purchase of my Indispensable Christmas Tips in order to make a profit, you may be surprised to learn that this is something I wish to encourage. The plucky underbelly of British commerce, shopkeepers have a dreadful time of it generally - so if I can help you make a few pounds in order to put a decent luncheon on your yuletide table, I'd be delighted. You will have to visit the website of my publisher Splimple in order to make such a purchase, as I have to draw the line somewhere and would rather not deal with trade.
A charitable contribution
One penny of the value of each card purchased will be donated to my chosen charity F.A.I.R.I.E.S (Freedom to Act against Inflatable Reindeer and Illuminated Electronic Santas). See here for further information.
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