If there is one newspaper that can be trusted to provide balanced, commonsense reporting without bias or sensationalism, it is of course The Daily Mail.  Without their shrewd investigative journalism we'd never have known that every second baby born in Blackburn looks Chinese, that a million dogs were eaten by bogus asylum seekers last year - nor that the entire population of Droitwich is now Mormon. 
 
Such statistics pale into insignificance however, when one considers their recent revelation that less than one in twenty British women can now afford to give traditional cotton pants as Christmas gifts.  Well, I was appalled I can tell you, though far from surprised, as this thumb-sucking Government has positively encouraged Johnny Foreigner to flood Great Britain with cheap, unhygienic imported pants that cause fungal infections, constipation and over-sized babies. 

It’s time to gird our loins

It is vital for the health of the nation that the likes of you and I purchase large quantities of sensible, well-constructed, full coverage pants next Christmas  to force prices down to the level of the scanty continental imports;  I believe it is my calling to work tirelessly to raise national awareness of this scandal - and for this reason I have recently founded G.U.S.S.E.T. 
 
The Guardians of Underwear that is Sensible, Secure, Elasticated and Trustworthy have already succeeded in blocking the unloading of container loads of revolting thongs arriving at the ports of Dover and Harwich - and we are currently lobbying Parliament to slap an import tax on underwear emanating from sweatshops in China, Afghanistan and Dundee. The activists in our washing line observation teams are working hard in the field - replacing shamelessly scanty knickers with the Cosy Comfort Pants that are the recommended knickers of all Guardians. 

Leading from the front

Keen to lead by example, I have taken the unprecedented decision of personally rotating four pairs of pants this year, rather than the customary two – and I have moved to a fortnightly washing cycle instead of monthly.  If you think that’s an extravagant waste of water, you may like to know that imported pants require laundering after just three days -  and after only TWO during the lambing season.  I rest my case.

Join G.U.S.S.E.T today ...
 
You can join G.U.S.S.E.T today for a fee of just 12 guineas, inclusive of Value Added Tax (that is £12.60 for anyone who is unconcerned about our monetary heritage).  In return you will receive one pair of wonderfully snug monogrammed Cosy Comfort Pants, a fetching underpinning to your evening outfit), a most persuasive I love my G.U.S.S.E.T sticker which will adhere to the inside of your motor car windshield - and a personal letter from me confirming your membership and consequent immunity from police prosecution if you choose to join one of our washing line observation teams.  I shall pay the postman for the cost of the stamps – and I will personally pack them for you.

… or enrol a friend or relative in G.U.S.S.E.T …

Show someone close to you that you care, by giving them the gift of G.U.S.S.E.T membership.  Your gift can be made anonymously if you’re the modest type.  Can you imagine the thrill of receiving such an original and thoughtful birthday, Christmas or valentines gift?

... or simply support us
 
... by purchasing ‘The shocking truth about Christmas pants’, one of my twelve Indispensable Christmas Tips  which have been published in the form of Christmas cards - enabling you to spread the word about G.U.S.S.E.T to your extended social circle.
 
To join G.U.S.S.E.T and / or to procure a selection of my Indispensable Christmas Tips, download an order form here.