I am told that in that dreadful tabloid newspaper The Sun, some criticism has been levelled at me regarding my innocent campaign to eliminate light pollution at Christmas.  Interestingly I have seen no such editorial in the Daily Mail or in the Telegraph, which I think tells a story in itself.

My research tells me that Sun readers are essentially state-educated people of poor breeding, who suffer from vitamin deficiency, employ few (if any) domestic staff, watch in excess of one hour’s television every day, are barely literate, have unusually small heads and seldom own more than one home (which is often on a housing estate in a high density urban sprawl such as Harrogate or Pateley Bridge).  In other words, these are the very people who compete with each other each Christmas to see who can produce the most vulgar display of illuminations to make their squalid little dwellings seem temporarily jolly.

Penguins in peril

If these people were confined to ghettos I would have no objection to their behaviour - indeed as someone who has devoted much of her life to helping the underprivileged (I have been a fund raiser for the National Trust for many years) I would have considerable sympathy for their plight.  But sadly they are not in ghettos.  These people can turn up anywhere - in otherwise pleasant little cu-de-sacs, in the middle of a row of elegant maisonettes - or even, as occurred on my own estate last year, in one of your own tied cottages.

The proliferation of hideously illuminated houses during December is a threat to society as we know it - with liberated helium-filled polar bears representing a serious danger to aircraft and the national grid becoming close to shut down.  Furthermore the unseasonal light causes hibernating animals to wake from their essential slumber, attracts poisonous bats, widens the hole in the ozone layer, directly leads to the destruction of the arctic icecap and leads to the deaths of thousands of penguins.  The practice also puts millions of pounds into the economy of China (for they manufacture 95% of inflatable polar bears and flashing carol-singing Pingu's) and is therefore bringing world war three ever closer.  Before we know it we’ll be overrun with millions of little ching chong chinamen who’ll take over the world ... so putting an end to Christmas once and for all.

F.A.I.R.I.E.S.

Of course this pathetic government of ours will do nothing about it.  They are far too worried about upsetting the appalling Americans, who in turn are truly scared of getting China’s hackles up.  So it’s down to people who possess a social conscience like me (and perhaps you) to address the problem.

A few months ago I founded F.A.I.R.I.E.S (Freedom to act Against Inflatable Reindeer and Illuminated Electronic Santas) - with one objective: to educate the ignorant masses as to the aesthetic pleasure of minimalism at Christmas - and to convince them that there is nothing remotely amusing about having a giant Homer Simpson Santa swaying on the roof of their quaint little semi-detached townhouses.  We have created a network of activists across the United Kingdom, with our primary mission being to educate, inform and persuade - employing peaceful, non-violent tactics wherever possible.  That said, the only gauge of our success is measurable evidence of a reduction in the number of houses participating in this decadent fad - so we are quite prepared to cut electricity supplies to offending homes, massacre armies of illuminated gnomes, shoot out light bulbs and shred inflatable nativity scenes, if that is what it takes.

If your idea of a tasteful yuletide display is a sprinkling of white lights around your gate pillars, together with some understated hanging ornaments and candles on the trees lining your driveway, I urge you to support the work of F.A.I.R.I.E.S. You can help us by buying one of my Indispensable Christmas Tips (a selection of 12 unique Christmas cards), from which one penny of the sale of each card will be donated to F.A.I.R.I.E.S.  If you want to give us more visible support you can also purchase one of our eye-catching car stickers. (see above) Finally, if you’d care to send us a list of houses resembling santa’s brothel in your area, just email me at: