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Blackballers
(this section includes all-important advice on entertaining
Mr Bob Geldof to luncheon)
The Wills-Doncaster family prides itself on being a broad church. We have encountered many people who are state educated, I myself once employed a Muslim tree surgeon, our family doctor is a Scotchman - and my dear husband Rupert frequently visits Thailand and maintains an extensive photographic collection of the children of his many friends in his study.
We have welcomed Liechtensteinian land developers, Roman Catholic Bishops, many Irish citizens, the occasional American and a family of Chinese Christian Scientist dwarf Negroes to our home at The Old Rectory ... and we would invite any of them back again (well, apart from Mr Robert Frederick Xenon Geldof of Dun Laoghaire who brought head lice into our home* in 2004 - and who I observed does not wash his hands after using the water closet).
Sad to say however, there are a few people who have crossed me - and despite my instinctively forgiving nature, I am sorry to publicly declare that none of them are on our Christmas list - and any attempts for them to contact me by telephone, electronic mail or in person, will end in failure (unless of course they are offering me a heartfelt apology). It would be bad form for me to go into detail here about how they have so deeply offended me, so I have simply entered their names on my blackballers listing (in alphabetical order, rather than by severity of offence).
I, Dorothy Wills-Doncaster, do not particularly care for:
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Alan Titchmarsh
Andrew Neil
Angus Deaton
Ant and Dec
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair
Barbara Bush
Billy Connolly
Bishop Desmond Tutu
Bobby Charlton
Bonnie Langford
Bryan Sewell
Carol Vorderman
Cilla Black
Cliff Richard
Condoleezza Rice
Dame Eliza Manningham-Buller
Dave Lee Travis
David Blunkett
David Dickinson
Delia Smith
Donald Rumsfeld
Donny Osmond
Duchess of Cornwall
Edwina Currie
Ester Rantzen
Geoffrey Boycott
George Bush Snr
George Bush Jnr
George Galloway
Heather Mills-McCartney
Helen Shapiro
Iain Duncan-Smith
Ian Hislop
Ian Wright
Jade Goody
Jeffery Archer
Joanne Rowling
John Edwards
John Prestcott
John Towers
John Reid
Jonathon Ross
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Kate Moss
Kate Silverton
Katie Price
Ken Livingstone
Kim Jong IL
Kitty Kelly
Linda Barker
Lord Bragg
Lord Lloyd Webber
Lulu
Matthew Corbett
Matthew Parris
Max Boyce
Max Clifford
Michael Barrymore
Michael Foot
Michael Parkinson
Mr & Mrs Neil Hamilton
Mrs Enid Doncaster-Partridge
Mr O. Osborne and entire family
Nicholas Griffin
Nicholas Parsons
Nick Stephenson
Paul Daniels
Peter Beale
Peter Sutcliffe
Pope Benedict XV1
Princess Michael ‘von Reibnitz’ of Kent
Robbie Williams
Robert Geldof
Robert Mugabe
Sally Gunnell
Sir Jackie Stewart
Steve Wright
Stuart Caldwell
Tara Parker-Tomkinson
Tessa Jowell
The French
Tom Minton
Victoria Beckham
William Roache
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(for legal reasons I must emphasise that this is a personal blacklist created as a result of my own opinions and experiences. For all I know, it is quite possible that for reasons best known to yourself, you may hold a favourable opinion of the above people. And you may well be quite right. Although I sincerely doubt it).
* Head lice live on blood from their host (in this case Mr Geldof) which they obtain by biting through the scalp. After mating, the female lays eggs that are firmly attached to individual hairs close to the scalp - and after seven or eight days the baby louse emerges - leaving a shiny white empty eggshell or 'nit', which may be found anywhere along a strand of hair (Mr Geldof must have had an infestation, judging by the number of eggshells that fell from his head when I set to work with my sheep comb on his filthy shock of matted rat’s tails).
If you entertain Mr Geldof, you may like to prepare for a nit-removal session on the morning of his arrival: put a gallon of fresh rainwater into a basin, add a dash of vinegar, the juice of half a lemon, four drops of lavender oil and a teaspoon of surgical spirit ... then thoroughly wet his hair with this concoction (he is unlikely to undergo this willingly - so be ready to tie him to a kitchen chair and threaten him with an intensive conditioning shampoo). Finally, get him to bend over a sheet of light coloured paper and comb his hair from the roots upwards ... so encouraging the pesky lice to abandon ship (remember to get in behind his ears and in the nape of his neck). All this palarver can of course be avoided simply by not inviting him in the first place; he may appear a jovial character when singing a song or trying to raise money for the poor of Bolton ... but in reality he can be very opinionated, curmudgeonly and morose; he is also reluctant to join in the morris dancing - and does not enjoy losing at nine card brag).
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